HOW A TOP PSYCHOLOGIST IS HELPING HIS OWN CHILDREN OVERCOME THEIR FEAR OF RE-ENTRY
Dr. David Lin, President, California Psychological Association
CHILDREN’S RE-ENTRY HESITANCY MAY MANIFEST IN UNEXPECTED WAYS.
You could feel the excitement in the air as children finished their school year and anticipated summer break. My 10 year old daughter was no different; she had endured a grueling year of remote learning in her final year of elementary school and was ready to be done. Parents had set up a graduation picnic to connect one more time before school ended -- but from the moment we arrived to the time we left, my daughter, who normally would run off in a heartbeat to be with her friends, never left my side.
Her behavior was a surprise, and through her masked face, her eyes revealed the intense fear she was experiencing as she gripped my hand a little tighter in the midst of the crowds around us. After 30 minutes of encouraging her to talk and be with her friends, it was clear the fear was stronger than the desire to reconnect, and sadly we left the party.
SOME CHILDREN MAY HAVE FORGOTTEN HOW TO SOCIALIZE.
The COVID pandemic is certainly the most worldwide traumatic event of the 21st century.
As a parent, I try to shelter my children from traumatic events to avoid what is called “vicarious traumatization”, the fear and anxiety that comes from simply seeing or hearing about something terrible that happened. In this case, there was no way to shelter my kids from the worldwide pandemic. Their schools shut down, they were forced to remain at home for over a year, limit interactions with family and friends, and , worse, they watched as loved ones, including their own grandparents, died of COVID.
As parts of the world like the United States begin to come out of the pandemic, we all are trying to return to something that resembles life before it started, like in-person gatherings or learning. This is not an easy task given how much emotional and physical energy was spent avoiding social contact and the constant public messaging of how COVID kills many. In addition to the fear of infection, their social life came to a screeching halt and they quite literally forgot how to socialize.
I was naive to think that my daughter would instantly jump back into her normal ways of life as shown at the graduation party. I also realized that re-entering school at the end of summer will not be so simple for her and most children around the country.
AVOID WELL-MEANING, BUT GENERIC RESPONSES TO THEIR FEARS.
Since these are my children, I really thought to myself, “What would I do if I was helping a patient of mine who was the parent?” The first thing I thought was to listen and understand the feelings swirling inside the child. This could be fear, anxiety, sadness, loneliness, or any number of emotions we experience. In order for my daughter to feel like she was heard, I used active listening.
As parents we sometimes provide simple responses to these complex feelings that unintentionally result in our children feeling dismissed. “You’ll grow out of it so don’t worry”. “Give it some time and you’ll feel just fine”. These single responses are meant well to encourage the child, but used without active listening will feel fake.
ACTIVE LISTENING IS A POWERFUL STRATEGY.
Active listening is actually very simple and yet powerful. Carefully listen to the words your child speaks and use those same words to reflect back to them what you heard-- as simple as that. When my daughter said she was nervous around the many people around her and it was too loud, I replied back using her words to let her know I understood what she was telling me. After active listening I continued to encourage her to try to engage with friends. Even though she did not connect with friends, she knew I understood her feelings and supported her. I also knew there would be more opportunities for engaging with friends in the very near future.
MAKE IT CLEAR THAT THEY ARE NOT ALONE.
The second recommendation to myself was to normalize the feelings they experience. Though my daughter felt understood, she felt she was the only one dealing with fear of crowds. As I looked around at the graduation party, I saw several children not wanting to engage. Some stood next to their parents like my daughter.
To help my daughter become more comfortable with groups I arranged playdates that began with very casual conversations with the other parents about how we and our children were feeling about trying to get back to a normal life. This helped my children understand how others had similar feelings, and also provided an “easing in” process to their playdates. It was only a matter of time before the children were reengaging, a solid first step to being comfortable again with larger crowds like their future return to school.
LEARNING TO DEAL WITH THE FEAR IS A NECESSARY SKILL FOR THEM TO LEARN.
The last recommendation I thought about was to support my children and avoid removing the fear they were experiencing. As loving parents, it is a natural instinct of ours to want to remove any bad feelings our children may experience.
We might find ourselves giving them food to help comfort them. Sometimes we let them watch videos or play video games to distract them. Maybe it is allowing them to remain socially isolated because they are too scared to meet with friends or eventually go to school.
The downside to this approach is we don’t let our children learn how to manage these feelings on their own, something they will need to do as they grow older. As we encourage them to face their fears we need to empower them with tools to manage these natural and normal feelings.
A FEW SIMPLE STEPS YOU AND YOUR CHILD CAN DO TO HELP THEM THRIVE.
Take time to talk about the feelings they are experiencing. One of the biggest hurdles I found as a clinician is the misunderstanding people have about their own feelings. Name the feelings (fear, anxiety, anger, sadness) and as a parent talk about your own experiences with these same feelings your child is expressing. For my oldest daughter, I was able to share my own anxiety about COVID and how “on edge” I felt during the pandemic. I genuinely feared COVID impacting my family since we have grandparents living with us.
Plan for opportunities to re engage with friends and family. Whether it is family gatherings or playdates, start planning with other families whom you trust and have your child participate in the planning process with their friends. Remember, take some time for parents and children to talk in order to ease the little ones into a social gathering that might seem foreign to them.
Before the actual gathering, practice imagining how the event will take place by using imagery. I do this by having us sit together in a comfortable place, both feet on the ground, closing our eyes, and starting with a minute or two of deep breathing. I then verbally walk us through the upcoming playdate, from leaving the house to seeing them for the first time, stopping to ask what feelings are coming up for my child. I finish the imagery exercise with where we started, back at home and take some time for any questions they might have. This simple exercise which takes no more than a few minutes in total is extremely powerful and empowering for the child.
Use deep breathing exercises. If your child’s fear or anxiety is extremely high, a breathing exercise tool can be very useful in helping them remain calm in stressful situations. Just like in the imagery exercise, sit down in a comfortable place with both feet on the ground. With everyone’s eyes closed, verbally walk them through slow and steady breathing. Encourage each breath to come from the belly to ensure it is a nice deep breath. Do this for at least three to five minutes and, when finished, check in with the child about how they feel about their fears or anxiety.
Reinforce the positive experiences that they’re having. When the playdate, family gathering, or first day of school has happened, take time to process with your child about the experience. Talk about what happened, how they overcame their fears, and reinforce the positive experiences they had. Even if they experienced sad situations, focus on their strength, resilience, and the fact that they shared it with you.
These days my children can be with friends and among large crowds and not feel as fearful as they once did. This took time, patience, and practice and though they take a step backwards now and then, they are encouraged to face their fear rather than avoid it. The pandemic definitely took its toll on all of us, but it also made us stronger than we ever realized and our children are extremely resilient. Help them see just how strong they are to conquer their pandemic related fears. Hopefully, with these suggestions and new ideas, your children and family are able to safely integrate fully into society with less anxiety surrounding the pandemic.
These are tips that I’ve found helpful to encourage my children to become more comfortable with social gatherings in anticipation of returning to school. As a community, we can learn from each other. We can share what worked and did not work to help our children. This summer let’s prepare our children to be their best they can be. I’d love to hear your experiences and feel free to make comments or ask questions along the way. Leave your comments down below. After all, we are all here to support one another and our children.